After waking up at 1:30 this morning I was laying in bed sleepless and my mind started churning butter as it tends to do.
I started thinking about a post I saw on Tumblr which was nothing special, a simple ask post to one of my friends.
The post said something about if they met in real life how they’d sit on a bench together and hold hands and that they loved my friend.
I thought that was sweet and it warmed the cockles of my heart but laying there I thought, I wish somebody would do that for me.
The unfortunate thing is that I don’t really give people the opportunity to do that though. I’m either closed off like a chik fit a on Sunday or I push too hard when I like someone.
It’s like I try to get people to like me too hard by acting a certain way or being overly funny or flirting too hard and I imagine theres an air of desperation about me which I’m sure nobody finds attractive.
It’s like the job experience paradox, you need experience to get the job but you can’t get experience without having the job. In love you need a partner to not be desperate but you can’t get a partner if you’re desperate.
I think what this all boils down to is the fact that I just want to be loved without asking for it and maybe I’m doing life wrong if I have to ask for love.
Years of rejection and desperation have taken their toll on me though and the pressure to have sex in college really really fucked me up.
Part of me still plays like I can get someone to love me but truthfully that’s a a complete and utter fallacy and I need to let go of that Idea like Tom cruise needs to let go of the church of scientology.
Fun fact, I’ve thought about finding Tom Cruise’s address and sending him a cryptic note with a copy of Going Clear but I don’t really care that much about him so whatever.
The thing is, I need to deprogram the idea from my head that I can get girls to like me if I act a certain way. I need to just act like myself because that mindset really isn’t doing me any favors.
I blame society though and toxic masculinity, that shit’ll fuck with anybody.
I need therapy.