Two Sides of the Same Coin

Lately I’ve been thinking about identity, specifically as it relates to the internet.

I know who I am in real life but I seem to be a different person online.

In real life I’m a quiet introverted dude with a love of hip hop and a witty sense of humor, but on the internet the sense of humor is escalated, I’m more gregarious and I (probably to detriment) say some stuff I probably shouldn’t say.

This worry is mainly in regards to a girl I met who knew me in real life and saw my blog and probably thinks I’m wildly bipolar.

Which is the real identity though? which one is me more? I feel like I want to be funny online and I want to be gregarious because its so hard for me to emote like that in real life, but one has to consider the cost of maintaining two different personalities.

If I could be that loose in real life I would but my anxiety and my disease just knock that shit down and I’m very flat. The meds I take just blunt me out so much, but in my writing, when I’m behind a screen I feel like I have my voice again.

I used to be much more outgoing in high school and college but since I was diagnosed I just flattened the fuck out and entered some pretty serious depression for many years.

I also had to find a way within myself to cope with everything that was happening which is why I wrote.

My writing voice now has developed to the point where I feel like I can say stupid shit and funny shit but you’d still never get that from me in real life unless you knew me as a friend or a loved one.

Maybe the problem is that I don’t have many people I joke with in real life and if I knew more people better and was able to relax around more people I’d be funnier.

Then the two personalities would align more correctly.

Maybe I’m just basing this off my social anxiety when I talk to anyone new which may be a fallacy.

The truth of the matter is that I like bullshitting and if I could do it in real life more I would.

I’m tired of putting a filter on for the sake of offending people or some reason, I’m not even clear what that reason is, maybe it’s fear.

I don’t ever say mean shit about people though so I feel like I don’t have to worry.

And I don’t want to worry. I think it’s pretty universal that people feel more confident behind a screen though, otherwise you wouldn’t have debates and trolls.

While I’m not a troll I still don’t know how I feel about running my mouth online when I would never do that in real life for fear of being called out or made fun of or something like that.

I guess the crux of it is that online I feel empowered to be the person I want to be and maybe I should try to foster that same confidence in my real life.

It might be disastrous but it’s worth a shot right? I’ll ease into it and see how it feels maybe.

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